The pain in my chest was so intense I wondered if I would survive. It seemed like my heart was puffing up, expanding at a tremendous rate and I thought it would explode right through my chest. It was almost unbearable. The tears fell in torrents as I gasped for breath.

My marriage had ended.

I had asked him to leave. I finally tired of his affairs and knew I could make it on my own. But the hurt and raw emotion of the past 20 years seethed through my body threatening to burst through its very cells. It felt like his leaving wrenched the heart right out of my body leaving me nothing but pain and emptiness.

Looking back, with the wisdom gained over the past 15 years, I could now see the little warning signs, like when he got into the front seat of the Volkswagen with the best man after putting me in the back seat as we left our wedding reception on our way to our honeymoon.

And when we were married only 4 months and were living in a motel room for 3 months while we looked for an apartment, he was doing tax returns and coming back late at night. I usually asked one of the cable installers for a drive, but he never thought to check if I had a ride home. One night in the dead of winter, I didn't. Back then we couldn't wear pants to work and the skirts were short. It was about 10 miles from work to the motel and I had no money, so I started walking. I walked til I was blue with cold and stopped into a garage to get warm. I asked them how far 50 cents might get me in a taxi and told them where I was staying at the motel. They let me get warm, gave me a cup of hot chocolate and drove me home. He never asked me how I got home, and so I never told him.

We never really learned to communicate with each other. We were so young. I was just 18, fresh out of high school. He was 21, a quiet banker when we met.

My dad was a quiet man. He never discussed his feelings, nor did my mother, so I accepted my husband's not talking to me about things as normal. He on the other hand had listened to his mother, "go on and on while my dad listened and said, uh huh every now and then." He thought that his dad didn't really pay any attention to what his mother said, so he believed that nothing I said needed to be paid attention to.

Where were all those marriage courses that might have shown us the error of our ways? Why didn't I trust my intuition and go for help that first year after I saw the doctor who told me I was much too young to take pills for my nerves?

What his actions did was to build more strength and independence in me. That's what he said he wanted before we were married. He didn't want someone like his mom who was always sick and overly dependent on his dad, but when I look at the women he was with over the years, that's exactly what he chose. His current wife has been suffering form various ailments over the 24 years that I've known her.

He wanted kids, lots of them he said, but when I was pregnant with child number 2 he said, "I'm not sure if I want this baby." I spent the rest of my pregnancy in a neck brace unable to lift the vacuum without pain. Little did I know he was already in the midst of an affair. His first? I never knew or asked, but his next one started around the same time and lasted until my next pregnancy 4 years later. Oh yes, I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was the business, his retail office supply and furniture store. I didn't understand why he would be mad at me when I waited up for him on Tuesday nights when he was always late getting back from out of town. I didn't realize that was the night he was spending with his mistress.

Little things. I confess, I did them to. If I was mad at him I wouldn't buy the special food or drinks he liked to have on hand, or clean the house the way he liked it. But we never talked about it. We just carried on doing things the way we always had. Heading for destruction without knowing that was the road we were on. Or at least I didn't. I naively assumed that "for better or worse til death do us part" was a vow we both meant. I know better now.

We separated 3 or 4 times once I found out about his girlfriend of 4 years, when I was 3 months pregnant, and I raised the 3 kids on my own for the most part.

One of the times we had got back together resulted in another pregnancy. I knew the moment my son was conceived. My husband seemed excited about this pregnancy and I thought things might work out, but here I was 3 years later sobbing at my kitchen table as he packed a few things and walked out the door for the last time!

I now really needed my growing strength and independence and I determined to give my children the best that I could. I knew I would have to work hard, but I didn't want them to suffer any losses. We remained in our small home while he went on to buy a larger one. That rankled, but I let it pass. I had my children, that was more important.

I spent years at the hockey rinks as 3 out of 4 children played hockey, 2 boys, 1 girl, and the other daughter skated.

I attended gigs as my sons played in various bands. I attended plays and musicals where they had major and minor roles.

I helped with homework. I begged, pleaded, scolded, disciplined, threatened and loved my kids. I knew that too soon they would be gone.

Now I am alone as my youngest is in college. I have finished my university degree. It took me 13 years of distance education courses, while continuing to work full time and raising my kids, but it was a goal I set for myself. I started at 38 years of age. I realized that I could start or not start, either way I would get older one day and one year at a time.

I have begun a certificate program in Teaching Adults. I now look ahead to the future and make plans for me. I can read that pile of books I have on hand, sew those quilts, take dance lessons, go to movies, whatever I want.

The choice is mine, as it has always been. I choose to live, to explore, to dream -- with enthusiasm!

©2004 Fran Watson Feel free to share this story, but please retain all my contact info

Fran Watson
www.franwatson.ca
Renfrew, Ontario